Featured Adoption Story of the month  

My husband, Keith, and I talked about adoption on our first date. I grew up with a heart for adoption I think partially because I had a friend who was adopted and partially because my mother taught me to have a heart for adoption. My husband has an uncle who was adopted. We both feel God brought us together in part for the purpose of adopting our beautiful children from Kazakstan.

We started out thinking that the process would take forever. I began searching the world for adoption on the net. We were open to just about any country. After eliminating many countries and narrowing the search, we came across Kazakstan. It had everything we wanted. We selected the agency that was right for us and we started to search for our children. We had lots of ideas about what would be right for us. But we would find out later that God had different plans for us and one of those plans, we feel, was to stretch our hearts so we could find the children that He had for us.

We started the INS process and the home study. We decided to get more information on some of the babies we'd seen in photos. That's when we found our son. In his video, he blew a kiss at the camera and we were in love. That was our boy! He would be 10 months old and walking when we met him.

There were two little girls we were drawn to. One was very premature with a very low birth weight, and oh was she cute. I was immediately drawn to her picture. I cried for two days because I felt that we should adopt her. But we were afraid that there might be something wrong with her because she was so little and was premature. We wanted to choose her, but fear took over and we decided on another little girl who seemed the safer bet. She was healthy, happy, cute as can be, and I adored her right form the start. Still, it was a difficult decision.

Three weeks before we left, I began having dreams about toddler girls in Kazakstan. I dreamt that there was a little girl we were meant to have but were leaving behind. All I knew about her was she was an older girl. I had the similar dreams for several nights and spoke to my husband about it. Could we consider three children at once? Maybe there was a toddler girl that was meant to be part of our family waiting for us in Kazakstan. But three at once seemed like a lot. We decided we would request the video of toddlers just to take a look before we left.

Eleven days before we were to leave for Kazakstan, we got a call. God had different plans for the beautiful little baby girl we were going to adopt. She was no longer available and she would never be truly our baby girl even though in our hearts she was already ours. She was a message to us from God that sometimes His gifts do not come in the way we expect, but they are none-the-less His perfect gifts. Our hearts were broken over losing the little girl we had chosen. The next day the video of the toddlers we had requested arrived. The timing was ironic because it was just what we needed but at the same time felt unready to see.

There were many cute toddler girls. But there was one who cried because a pathetic little doll was being taken from her. I remember saying with tears over the little girl we lost that "I may need that little doll loving girl too because I have a lot of dolls waiting for a girl who is never going to be here." And still my heart longed for a little baby girl as well.

We decided to wait until we got there to decide on adopting a toddler. We were emotionally drained at the time and felt it would be better to decide there. We wondered if we would end up adopting the little baby girl we had been afraid to the first time around. We had heard that she was sick and they had put her in the hospital just as a precaution because she was so small, but it scared us. We had been sent recent pictures of her and once again our hearts were tugged. I felt like all my worst fears were being realized just before we were about to leave for a foreign land where we would make decisions that would change our lives forever. I did not want to have to have this much faith.

We left on our journey to Kazakstan on November 15, 1999. The travel was a bit of an adventure. It had its bumps. The weather was harsh that time of year and things were a bit more complicated because the U.S. Embassy in Moscow would soon close for the holidays and Y2K. All these things added to the excitement, but over all it went well. When we arrived in Uralsk, Kazakstan we were taken to meet our son. He was everything we had imagined and hoped he would be and more. He was the perfect little boy for us. We then started meeting baby girls. There were several cute baby girls, but we found that our hearts were still glued to the little girl we had been afraid to adopt. She was still in the hospital. But neither one of us could deny the feeling we had when we held her in our arms. We both knew she was our baby so the decision was made.

We then decided to meet older children and see if there would be another who also felt to us to be our child. We knew that if we did choose a third, it would be a girl around 2 years old. We fell in love with many toddlers but were not finding our child. We just had this feeling that there was a child who was meant to be ours we had not yet met. Finally, we came to her group and we found her. I don't know how we knew she was the one because she was the only child to cry and try to hide when she saw us. All the other toddlers in her group wanted to give hugs and to play. But we loved her from the moment we met her. Every night in Kazakstan after I saw her I dreamt about her sweet face. She was the same little doll loving girl we had seen cry in the video and my first instinct was right. It took a little while for her to open up to us, but we knew she was our girl.

This little girl we had chosen was in the same room as another little girl I had spoken to the agency about. This other little girl had a special need. I remember telling Cindy Harding of WPA that there was not enough video of her for someone to fall in love with her if they were going to adopt a child with a special needs (of course I was going to fall in love with her myself). I had offered to get a little more video of her on our trip. So as we visited our daughter we got some video of the other little girl. We were really drawn to her and felt in our hearts that she was so special someone would see the video we had taken, fall in love, and adopt her. We did not have INS approval to adopt a special needs child, so it was not an option for us at the time. We talked about possibly coming back for her ourselves some day. She had a smile that could light up any room.

Before we left Uralsk we were thrown a party which included a traditional walking celebration for our son because he had just taken his first steps in their land. We were given the task of choosing the person to cut the rope they tied around his legs. It was meant to be a person who had qualities we would want him to have. We chose his primary caretaker for all the love she gave to him unselfishly in his life knowing one day she would lose him. We hoped that our son would grow to love like she did never counting the cost. And it is true for all our children. They were well loved before we even knew them and I thank God for that. We made it home in time to enjoy the best Christmas of our lives with our family of five! On the plane ride home we found ourselves talking about whether or not we could come back for the little girl we fell in love with but were not able to adopt. We decided the obvious. Since fate had it that we could not adopt her this time we needed to first see how we did with our three. After all, we were new parents and three was a lot to start out.

At home, our new family settled in amazingly well and fast. We were often complimented on how well adjusted our kids seemed. Our oldest daughter was picking up English very quickly and they were all very attached to us and us to them. It was like God had given us the perfect children for us. We knew we were not done and that there would be at least one more child some day but we were so in love with our children and quite happy where we were in life.

After we were home for a while, our oldest daughter started talking a lot about a little girl who was in her group. It was the same little girl we had videotaped. She would call her on her play phone, having long conversations mostly consisting of gibberish but frequently saying her friend's name and pretend to play with her when she would play dollies. It seems they were closer than we realized. I thought it would pass. But it did not pass. Nor did my feelings for this little girl pass. It seems the video had succeeded, someone had fallen in love with her. That someone was me! So finally I cautiously went to my husband and asked about whether he would consider adopting her sooner rather than later. I could no longer bear to think of her there and us here. I wanted her to be part of our family. It turned out he had not been able to stop thinking about her either. We decided only after being home for three months to look into going back for her. We needed to get our homestudy updated and to get approved for special needs adoption. And so we did and went through the entire process again.

When we got to Kazakstan on May 15 2000 and once again saw the little girl we had fallen in love with on our first trip, we were rudely awakened to find that she had not spent her time away from us falling in love with us. The first time we had seen her she was full of hugs and kisses. This time she was scared of us and cried. I guess the fact that we had made her friend disappear was not a plus in her mind. It turns out our daughter and her really were best friend and she had been having a hard time without her. Over time she got more comfortable but she had some hard times in the next few days. She understood what was about to happen. She was about to lose everything she had ever known and she was not happy. Little by little she did better. Even through the crying and kicking when I first held her I could tell this was my daughter all along. We went to court and were granted adoption of her. We were so happy. She was such a doll! Then came the hard part, I needed to leave to get back to our three children at home. I was so afraid she would really be distant to me by the time we met again. I had not gained a whole lot of ground with her in the first place. But I knew what I had to do so I left and my husband finished the journey home with her. On his journey home he began to see again the little girl with the smile that could melt your heart who we had known from our first trip's meeting.

Two weeks later my husband and my new daughter were home. I met them at the airport with my three kids who waited for their daddy. It was two days before my first Mother's Day. I was a mother for the first time and I now had four children! I had myself all emotionally prepared for her to want nothing to do with me since she has been traveling with my husband and did most of her opening up to him. When I got there and they came off the plane there were several people watching us. Someone came off the plane and said, "You MUST be THE family!" I thought well, Keith did some talking to a few folks on the long flight. I said to the woman "Well, I am going to guess yes". Then came my husband with my new daughter. Everyone seemed to be watching. I thought. "OK now I have an audience for what is bound to be one of the more difficult moments." But I decided what the heck. I'll risk a screaming fit at the airport with everyone watching. So I went for it and just took her in my arms. I hugged her and the big Pooh Bear balloon I had for her went up to the very high ceiling. I thought, "OK here comes the screaming." But what did I get? A big hug and then she looked at me and pointed to me and said with her big smile "Mama!" then she pointed back to herself and then to me and said again, "Mama." She did a few rounds of mamas and then pointed to the balloon way up at the ceiling and waved and gave the biggest smile. It was perfect. I guess the fact that the balloon flew up to the ceiling was a big thrill. Since we have been home it seems she decided I have the magic she needs to make all the bad things go away. I don't know how I got it, but I can only say it is a gift from God. What a great Mother's Day! All my kids are home and all for my first Mother's Day as a mommy! What an amazing journey that had led us to this day!

Along the way we made some wonderful friends. Cindy Harding of World Partners Adoption guided us along both of our journeys to our precious children. She was truly a God send. And the wonderful people of Kazakstan will forever be in our hearts. We are extremely grateful to them and to God for our four precious gifts from above. And what a gift, our children all love each other. Our two oldest daughters have resumed their friendship they had in Kazakstan. They can often be found holding hands, playing dollies together, and giving each other kisses. Our house never lacks for hugs and kisses, and laughter often fills the air. It doesn't get any better than this! Now we look at our sweet babies and wonder how we could ever have doubted or thought that maybe it would be too much. We've learned a lot along our adoption journey. One thing is that God does not give you things the way you think He should or will sometimes, but the way that He fulfills our hearts desires is better than anything we are capable of doing on our own. We had decided what we thought God should give us and how it would look. God in His gracious mercy was kind enough to mold our hearts along the way so that we were no longer blinded to the good and perfect gifts He had for us all along. My heart was too small and my mind was too closed to be able to recognize anything but what I thought was right for us. So God supplied a few bumps to clear our path. Some of those bumps were very difficult and painful but necessary and I am grateful God allowed it to change both our hearts. I now have my heart's desire in complete and perfect detail of all I ever dreamed I would have in my children. Who would have known all I really needed to do was step aside and let God show us the results of a search He did long ago before we ever knew. He had completed the search for our children long ago. All we needed to do was take His hand and be willing to walk on the journey to find them waiting for us.

A passage was read ironically at our wedding before we ever knew about our children from a book called Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire. It went like this.

"He formed a likeness of Himself from a lump of clay and into it he breathed life. He crafted a counter part to complete the likeness, joining the two halves and placing them center stage in His creation where there was a temptation and a fall, a great loss and a great hiding. God searched for the hiding couple, reaching to pick them up, dust them off, and draw them near. Though they hardly knew it at the time. After them, He searched for their children and their children's children. And afterward wrote the stories of His search."

We never knew how true this was for us at the time but here we are to tell of God's faithfulness. The search is over and now God continues to write their stories of a new life in a new land He has made for us all to share from our little lumps of clay He breathed life into in a place called Kazakstan. We are grateful to be able to share about His faithfulness in our four beautiful children.